you think you know, but you have no idea...

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Name: Kars
B-day: October 20, 1984
Zodiac: Libra
Age: 20
School: De La Salle University

female. libra. roman catholic. music lover. broadway junkie. eccentric artist wannabe. avid movie-goer. internet freak. periodic drinker. non-smoker. chronic drunkard. class cutter. weekend bum. shoe collector. alias fanatic. trying-hard singer. frustrated ballerina. pseudo piano player. infrequent commuter. nonstop texter. former friendster devotee. current blog enthusiast.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

untrue to my heart

i've forgotten how happiness feels like.

i wonder what he's doing right now, thinking, feeling. is he also missing me as much as i am missing him? does he still think about me? does he still need me in his life?

i'm alone. i've got no one. no one to talk to, no one to share how my day went, no one to laugh with. everytime i wake up, his voice resonates in my mind. then i realize that he's not there.

love never felt so cold. *sigh*

everyday is the same 'ol story. after school, i spend countless hours in front of the computer. then off to sleep with my strained eyes. i don't have a life.

i've put on a facade for everyone to see. one that laughs and smiles. i try to be the person that i used to be. the clown of the family. just to let them see that i'm ok. that i've surpassed that inconceivable problem of breaking up with my first boyfriend of what seemed like forever. but in truth i'm not. i don't want to seem aloof towards them because i don't need their sympathy. i don't want them to think that i'm weak.

the silence in the room is killing me.

i want to see that genuine smile back in my face.

i want to be real again.

abadudi @ 4:55 PM

At 1:11 AM, ciara said…

i know its different but you always have SG.. :D guys will probably come and go into our lives but we'll always be here.. you're not alone, karz.. :D
maybe we've both forgotten how happiness feels like but that's okay.. because by going throught all these we come to appreciate the things that matters most in our life..
its really hard when most of the time we end up smiling on the outside but crying on the inside.. but you know what, its okay not to be the clown of the family for a while or not be the smiling karz that we often see.. its okay not to be okay.. no one expects you to be in the first place.. cry if you have to.. show that you're sad if that's how you really feel.. and maybe if you stop putting on a facade, you'll eventually "be real again"..
it might not be now but i assure you that just like everything we've gone through in the past, we'll get through this and when we look back we'll have those genuine smiles back on our faces and who know maybe just laugh about it like everything else.. :D
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous said…

You can't BE real if you're faking it. It's okay to hurt, it's okay to be sad. What's not okay is insisting that you face this alone, because you don't have to. We sympathize with you, but we don't pity you. There's a big difference. You made that choice, and you need to live with it until the pain subsides. But it doesn't mean that you have to live with it alone, that just doesn't make any sense. I hope you realize that clown or not, we love you and we will always be by your side. And if you want, I can get out of my catatonic state for a while and be the comic relief until you're okay... hehe... and I'm always somebody you can talk to. Aight?!? - bugz